I Don't Read Directions Either

Customer: My advantage card didn't work at the pump.

Me: Did you already pay at the pump?

Customer: Yes.

Me: I'm sorry, once you've paid I can't do anything.

Customer: But I slid my advantage card!

Me: Did you push 'Yes' to the advantage card?

Customer: What?

Me: The pump asks you if you have an advantage card on the screen.

Customer: I don't read those things!

Well, I often don't read the instructions on my DVR at home, and I sit there hitting buttons wondering why it wont just record my show when I don't hit the specified record button. I'm above directions. If the lord saw fit to have me record my show, he'd just magical transport the knowledge to my brain.

I Built These Garbage Cans To Confuse You

Customer: Excuse me?

Me: Yes, can I help you?

Customer:(insert snobby tone) Um, yeah. There is nowhere to throw this away. This wont fit.

Me: ...

Customer: It is garbage from YOUR store. It wont fit in YOUR garbage cans.

Me: ...

Lady, I know that you were treating me like I had a mental handicap as I stared at you every time you talked to insist that your bowl from a Subway salad wouldn't fit in the hole our trash cans provide, but to be brutally honest, I was too dumbfounded by your choice to be angry about something so stupid. Here are some easy direction: Grab bowl with both hands. Push hands together. When thin and flimsy plastic bowl is somewhat folded, toss in garbage.

Denying You Something I Can't Do, Yes I Do That For Pleasure

Customer: Can you turn the pump on?

Me: I can't turn the pump on, but if you just push the cash button you can pum...

Customer: Could you just turn it on.

Me: I can't turn it on from in here you hav...

Customer: I used to work here. So just turn it on.

Me: Ma'am, they may have changed how they do it, because we have no way of turning on a pump from in here. If you just go back out and hit the green cash button I can approve you and turn it on.

Customer: This is ridiculous. Just turn the damn pump on.

Me: Ma'am I can't.

Customer: Whatever. This is ridiculous.

Yes, I am totally lying to you. I want to keep this conversation going where you abuse me and tell me what I can and can't do with the pumps and registers I have been working closely with forty hours a week for over a year. I have nothing better to do. All I want is to make your life miserable. Just to point this out, you could have pumped your gas and paid for it and been on your merry way to devour the souls of the innocent in the amount of time it took you to argue with me.

I Am A Secret FBI Agent

Me: Can I have your date of birth?

Customer: What?

Me: Can I have your date of birth?

Customer: Never mind then. That's my information.

Really? Are you afraid that by having your measly birthdate I will steal your identity? Shoot, you got me. I have a secret pad of paper beside my register. I write down everyone's birthdate and when I go home, instead of doing the millions of other things I have to do, I take the time to punch your birthdate into my top secret FBI database account and steal your identity.

They Plug Us In Outback

Cashier: Can I see your ID please?

Customer: Seriously?

Cashier: Yes, we have to ID everyone.

Customer: For lottery.

Cashier: Yeah. I'm sorry, it's my job.

Customer: I get it. But I just want to make you aware...

Stop right there. You don't need to make a cashier aware of anything. I know that you think we are another species that hails from the land of "personal servants for hire" and "docile droids that are plugged into the wall outback until their shift", but we are very much people just like you. When our shifts end, we go home to our chores and our families and we go shopping too. Sometimes, now hold your breath, we also buy alcohol, or any number of things you need an ID for. And we get IDed. So we are aware of how much of a pain in the behind it can be to be asked for ID when we are obviously old enough. And even if we didn't, I have one question for you: What do you think complaining to us is going to accomplish? I lied. Two questions. Do you think we can magically change the policies if you make us aware?